Day Twelve.

    Currently I am exhausted....what a day! Like I was afraid of, I didn't get much sleep last night and apparently I looked as sleepy as I felt because a co-worker commented on how tired I looked:( At any rate, despite that, I had a pretty decent day at work....the pace was actually pretty good. Sometimes on a Monday it can be an absolute nightmare. I went to the food store after work to get a few things I needed and I tried to think about dinner tomorrow night as well. I really need to start planning my meals out better so I'm not at the store every single day! When I was growing up my Mother would always shop for two weeks of meals at a time and she would tell my sisters and I her meal schedule. I got so bored of that while growing up and I think I am just rebelling against that routine now because I usually decide what's for dinner after work. I don't get too enthusiastic about cooking, I feel like it takes so much time and you just end up eating it so fast. I guess to a certain extent it brings out a lot of my OCD issues as well. For instance, I eat a lot of salad and I get so paranoid about cleaning all of the veggies off. So there I am trying to make salad for dinner and it just turns into me battling my OCD in order to get it made. I'm literally telling myself, the lettuce is clean just put it down....ugh.
    I was really nervous about getting home today and finding an excuse not to workout. So when I got home I didn't waste too much time. This was of course after I cleaned my work shoes off and inspected my only pair of legitimate sneakers. That probably sounds odd....but there was an incident a few weeks ago where I was scared something from work had gotten on them so I had my boyfriend clean them in his washer. I haven't worn them since the incident and I knew I needed to wear them to workout. They seemed okay....gulp....I hope:) I got on the elliptical and I tried to focus on enjoying it, not hating it....this was short lived! I played The Gaslight Anthem and of course, like usual when I'm working out, the lamest, most quiet songs were playing. I got through what I thought was definitely going to be 30 minutes only to find out it was 25 minutes! I stopped anyway because I knew I was going to give my dog a walk which was going to give me more exercise. We had a nice walk, I even ran her down the back street which she loved!
    After that I did my usual laundry, shower, fold routine. It's basically exactly how it sounds....I put laundry in right before I take a shower, then when I'm done I fold the laundry that I had put in the dryer on the previous day. I refuse to fold laundry after work until I have taken a shower because I get really anxious about my clothes getting re-exposed to work germs.
    Let's see, I just quickly microwaved a lean pocket for dinner....fancy right?! Tomorrow night my boyfriend is going to come over and we already planned to have buffalo chicken salad:) I was trying to think of a healthy option and when I make it at home it's not that bad for you at all. My boyfriend seemed really stressed when I spoke with him tonight on the phone because he hadn't been home since Thursday. I feel bad sometimes because we spend more time at my place than his, only because he lives an hour away. With my work schedule it's just to much to have to drive that far to work when the commute from my house is only five minutes. He understands, but I can imagine it gets pretty frustrating not being home that much. We've been doing this for almost a year and a half now. Writing this blog is so much easier when it's just me in the room. The last few days I have been trying to write my blogs with people around and it makes it very difficult. Anyway, that's it for now:)

Day Eleven.

    Today I am back home and it feels so good:) Actually, the weekend turned out to be extremely fun. We ended up sleeping in quite a bit this morning and I just hope I can get to bed tonight. After all my public restroom usage last night I really wanted to take a shower this morning before we left, but decided to wait until we got back home. It felt amazing to wash off all of those city germs!
    The biggest thing which upset me this weekend doesn't have anything to do with my OCD, it's my weight. Well, I guess that it does have something to do with my OCD, because my weight is always something I tend to obsess over. I really have been letting things go though....barely exercising for the past 3 months. I knew that I was putting some weight on but I stepped on a scale last night and the number was horrifying. I am so sick of not being able to fit right in my clothes and only wearing the things I think don't make me look fat. Tomorrow I promised myself to get back on the elliptical machine and workout. It's really not bad when I get in the groove, which is about 30 minutes, 3 times a week. I really think that I want to get a better machine too....that might help me. The machine I have now is very unstable and it's not a very smooth workout. So, like most things in my life, I tend to turn exercising into an obsessive chore and that makes it something I simply dread! I think that is why I haven't been doing it for months. Once I start to workout regularly I get so upset with myself when I skip a day. Then, that turns into me trying to avoid the guilt by just dropping exercising from my routine all together! I need just tell myself how important it is to be exercising and that every little bit helps, right?
    Tomorrow I go back to work and of course I'm a little down about that. It was so nice spending the weekend with my boyfriend and his family. I am, however, looking forward to a week with not so much going on....after work of course! There are a lot of things I want to get taken care of around the house and I have a few articles which my boyfriend's Mother gave me to read. Anyway, that's enough of my rambling for tonight:)

Day Ten.

    I am somewhere in Queens, NY....in an apartment and I just used the dirtiest toilet I've ever used. Surprisingly enough I don't feel that terrible. I have had a few drinks and couldn't wait to use the restroom. The apartment is where one of my boyfriends childhood friends lives. Today was the New York Mets game which was a present from me to my boyfriend for his Birthday this year. Even though the Mets lost, it was a really fun game. I took my boyfriend, his brother and girlfriend. Afterwards we went to Astoria where there is a beer garden which has a ton of good German brews. We met up with a few of his friends there and the night landed us here.
    I must say that I was really anxious today because of having to use public restrooms and to make matters worse it is my time of the month:( I really tried not to stress too much, but I definitely know I spent most of the ball game worrying about the bathroom situation. I did manage to get through it.... at least I think so! Another part of the stress was taking the subway...it just kind of freaks me out. I guess I just can't imagine a place with more germs because of all the people who take it everyday. I think what helped me was watching the people on the train because they all seemed so un-phased. That made me realize that most people don't worry about the germs, they just ride it to get where they are going.
    We ended up being out until now....5am and I really did relax a bit. My boyfriend has a great group of friends who make me laugh so much....they are infectious! Even though I didn't think I had my A game on, his friends drew it out of me. Okay that just reminded me that it's way too late to be up....until the next time:)

Day Nine.

    Today I am writing this from my phone the first time because I am at my boyfriend's parents place. I was very anxious coming here because I always get anxious around parents. In my life I have always been nervous around bosses, teachers and parents....I guess I just lose my cool with authority figures. Where they live is also a little different than what I'm used to and that always makes for an adjustment also....by that I mean they live in a high rise apartment in New York City. I always grew up in a house and it is weird for me to imagine living in a apartment setting in such a big city.
    I was very tired this morning at work. I had a hard time sleeping and I think it was because of how much I ate with my sisters. I don't like going to sleep feeling so full! Annoyingly enough I have been feeling very overweight lately and last night just sealed the deal. Ugh. Weight is another constant obsessive thought which never really leaves my mind. I am constantly struggling with the fact that I always feel like I could easily lose 20 pounds and still not look up to my own standards.
    All in all I am proud of my actions today. I never felt the need to over wash and even though I had a bit of a hard time packing, I got through it. Packing is hard for me because I always worry I am forgetting something. I focused on reminding myself that there really wasn't anything I was packing that I couldn't live without. Enough for now:)

Day Eight.

    I feel like today went by really fast, but I got a lot accomplished and had a good night with my sisters. The day at work went by at a nice, steady rate as well and I learned a lot about some new technology we are going to be using. When I got done work I had a few errands to run including picking up some water and wine for the dinner. When I got home I had time to put a small load of laundry in and get in the shower. I felt bad because my twin sister showed up when I had just finished my shower but I still had laundry to work on. She was really sweet and did all the prep work for the dinner while I finished up my chores. I think she knew that I was going to be busy later on cleaning up the kitchen and dishes so she wanted to give me a hand.
    I tried to be good about not obsessing too much over the dishes because I wanted to enjoy some quality time with my sisters who I don't get to see much. It worked out pretty well because when the conversation got depressing, because we were talking about the Holiday's, I was keeping busy and staying out of things. The reason the conversation got so depressing was because apparently my Mother wants to retreat to her winter dwellings for Christmas, which just won't work out for my schedule and it's not very convenient for us all to travel to see her. At least two of my sisters will be going down there, but that means that I might not see them on Christmas, which to me is extremely sad.  I am very traditional and I like to spend the Holiday's with my family who I love, but I guess I have to realize that things are changing and we are all grown up now with our own lives and it's not as easy getting together. I did try not to be too obsessive about washing the dishes, but my hands look pretty dry so I definitely have to make sure to put cream on them before bed tonight. It's amazing how well a good hand cream works when you put it on overnight.
    I am getting a bit stressed about going away this weekend, but I am looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend. I feel like I have barely seen him this week and I love road tripping with him. It just dawned on me that I don't think I've mentioned my dog yet, but I have a Yorkshire Terrier who is just the sweetest little thing....she is falling asleep on my sisters leg next to me. I think she wants to go to bed and I am getting a bit tired too. With that said, I have to go to bed.
   

Day Seven.

    I did sleep in today and it felt great, but then I started getting really anxious about all the things I had to do. My sister didn't get up that early either and by the time we were both ready to get our day started it was well afternoon. This week is a very unusually busy week for me because every day I have plans. Tomorrow I am having a sister dinner with my 3 sisters. We are very close and don't get to all four hang out that much together so we try to do a sister dinner as often as we can. With this approaching I wanted to get a lot of things done today, however I didn't do nearly enough. My sister and I grabbed lunch then went to Target together, which I was glad about because it's a lot better than having to go alone. After all that was said and done I wasn't leaving to get back home until 4:30pm and I didn't get home until almost 6pm....I guess I wasn't driving that aggressively because I can usually make the trip in an hour. When I got home I was so stressed because I only had about half an hour until my boyfriend was coming over to do laundry and take a shower. I also dropped the ball on dinner because I wasn't able to go to the store, so he had to. When he got here I was just finishing up my shower and he made dinner which made me feel really guilty, but I think he could tell I was stressed.
    It's amazing how now that I am older it seems like I never have enough time to do anything and when I was little I had all the time in the world. I try to realize that I could be doing a lot more with my time if I didn't spend so much of it washing my hands. So it must be said that the biggest reason I had to get to Target today was because I was running low on my soap and I refuse to buy the refill containers at the regular food store because they are smaller and overpriced. Ugh, it gets really embarrassing to talk about how much soap I use in a day....so right now I am not going to go into exactly how much. My OCD project currently is to give myself limits on how much soap I use in a day. The main trick I am doing is filling up the soap container and then promising myself that I can't refill it until the next day.
    It's almost painful writing this today because I really don't have any reason to be that stressed. It's almost insane to realize that I wasted a whole day being stressed because I was about to run out of soap and I had to do laundry. The laundry thing upset me so much because I am going away this weekend and thought I was running out of time to wash my clothes. This is all ridiculous because obviously I have enough clothes to get me through the weekend, I just can't stand being behind on the laundry. I hate being this way, because some people have so much more to deal with on a daily basis and they actually have real reasons to be upset. I hope that one day I can understand how silly I am being before I waste my whole life worrying about such insignificant details:(

Day Six.

    The Yankees lost:( What a horrible game to have to witness....the first batter hit a home run against us! It all went downhill from there and the final score was 7-0 with the Tampa Bay Rays winning. One of the highlights of the night was that tonight was actually Mariano Rivera bobblehead night and that didn't go smoothly either. The first 18,000 people were guaranteed a bobblehead and apparently they didn't arrive on time, so we got a voucher when we entered the stadium. My sister went to acquire the bobblehead right before the 5th inning and never returned. She missed the entire game because that's how long the line was....I told her she was lucky the game sucked!
    As for my OCD, that didn't go too horribly. The worst part of the day was the fact that I had to use public restrooms. I haven't spoken on this about how much I detest public restrooms, but I seriously do. I mean, I try everything I can to avoid them, including only going to the bathroom at work when absolutely necessary. By that, I mean on average I use the restroom at work less than 10 times a year....that is pretty scary when you consider the fact I work 40 hours a week! Due to the fact I was at the game and drinking a few beers I had to use the restroom about 3 times and I did okay. It's hard when I'm in public not to wash my hands a ton of times because I feel like I have a thousand germs on them, but sometimes it's actually easier to stop when you have outsiders eyes on you. They all seem so freaked out by the fact that you are obsessively washing your hands when they are barely even doing it for a few seconds. I tend to get over this anxiety, because I know I'm never going to see those people ever again and my sanity is worth more than there's in this instance.
    I'm going to call this post over early tonight because I'm beat, but more will follow tomorrow, God willing! I don't have to work until Thursday and I am planning on sleeping in a bit tomorrow then heading home. I am excited because the boyfriend is coming over for dinner tomorrow and I haven't seen him for a few days:)

Day Five.

    I am currently at my sisters house and so far it's been really nice to get away. My day at work today wasn't that great at all! The first email I read was about a bad decision I made at work which might have potentially lead to a bad mistake....Happy Monday:( After that, the day didn't really get any better and it was almost 11:30am until I got my morning cup of coffee. It's not like I'm addicted to coffee, but I really like at least one cup a day. Sometimes I just feel like I'm so much better at my job after a cup of coffee....hmm that sounds like addiction, but it's not I swear!
    After work was over, which always carries it's own special amount of OCD moments (remember I am not going to go into too much detail about work), I went home and had to pack for my sisters house. I really wanted to get here by 7:30pm, but of course I was over 45 minutes late. Being late is just something which comes hand to hand with having OCD. It's probably one of the worst parts of the whole thing, most likely because most of the other symptoms you can hide to a certain extent. You can never hide the fact that you are always the person who is late or makes everyone else late. I can't tell you how many times friends and family members have tried to drag me away from the sink as I do my ritual hand washing, post putting my shoes on, before I can leave. They just don't understand that until it feels right I am not leaving that sacred spot under the burning hot tap water! I find it utterly bizarre that I have to remind my boyfriend when he should be washing his hands! Ugh, to me washing my hands is one of the best feelings in the world and I can't imagine someone having to tell me to do it. I guess that's why I have a problem and everyone else is "normal".
    After I arrived late at my sisters house and she was not upset with me at all, it reminded me of how much I love being with my sister and her husband. They really are wonderful, down to earth people who have a very special way of making me feel calm. I am now looking forward to the next two days and of course the big game tomorrow. Here's hoping that our trip to the city isn't as anxiety provoking as I am thinking and I can have a great night!

Day Four.

    Today was a pretty good day. After the festivities and stress yesterday, it was nice to have a day in to rest and spend time with my boyfriend. I did get a fair amount of work around the house accomplished too! I managed to vacuum up the bee mess in the basement and I wasn't too freaked out about it. I did have my boyfriend clean the corner I was the most scared of, but then I did the rest. I tried really hard to get everything I could up and I was really proud of myself because I didn't wash my hands until the entire project was done. This included a few trips outside to get an extension cord and going into the main garbage can to dump out the bag from the vacuum. Sometimes when I write these things down I feel silly, mainly because I think for most people these are all chores that are normally done without a big deal made out of them. However for me, or anyone suffering from OCD, simply vacuuming can bring out some of the most obsessive and horrible rituals which can turn a simple chore into a nightmare. I also am in the process of washing my bed sheets which was something I have wanted/needed to do for a week or so now. Because I felt really filthy when I came home last night I felt the sheets especially needed to be changed today.
    The next two days I am going to be at my sisters house. For me, leaving my house overnight is very good for my habits. I find myself washing my hands a lot less and it is usually a good break from the everyday rituals I can't seem to avoid at my own house. My twin sister and I have a tradition now that we go see a Yankee game together every year and it is on Tuesday night. That will be a challenge for me because we take the train to the city and being around all those people can definitely affect my nerves. Let's hope I can relax a bit and enjoy the game without getting too anxious. The good thing is that my sister is very supportive of me and she always has a tendency to make me feel better when I am stressed:) Alright, well that's it for now!

Day Three.

    Today was hard. Today I went to LarkFest with my boyfriend, his brother and girlfriend. LarkFest is a festival on Lark street in the city where I live and it always draws hundreds of people. It wasn't hard because I went with them, it was hard because of the massive amounts of people who were there. There's something about being around all those people that always kind of makes me feel dirty. The most difficult part of the day was the fact that we were going to another persons house afterwards....okay so that doesn't sound that horrible to you, does it? Well to me it's the worst:( What if they don't have soap in the bathroom? What if the house isn't clean? What if I break the toilet? These are just a few things that go through my head as I dread going to a new house. Well, all in all, it turned out to not be so bad. They had soap, the house was clean, and I didn't break the toilet, but the anxiety leading up to going to this house was very hard for me to endure.
    It really was ridiculous about how much I wasn't looking forward to going into a new dwelling with no real knowledge of what I was facing. At that moment I felt a complete prisoner of my disorder. However, I managed to survive the encounter and can now chalk it up to a win in the battle of OCD! I can not hide the fact that a huge part of the win today was the constant support I received from my boyfriend. I addressed him about how scared I was facing the uncertainty of the afternoon and he calmed my nerves by coming up with a code word which would mean we could leave if I was too uncomfortable. It boggles my mind to believe that I actually found a guy willing to do that for me. His constant patience, understanding and ultimate love for me has, without him knowing, become one of my biggest weapons against this horrible disorder. I'm sorry I haven't mentioned him until today, but my boyfriend is really something else:)

Day Two.

    Today is Friday, which I am super excited about because I am exhausted and I am in desperate need of a weekend off. I won't talk too much about my profession on here, but I will just say that I am in the health care field and tend to work slightly odd hours.
    I guess it's time to give a bit more of a back story about me. When I was a child I had symptoms of OCD which I didn't really even think were abnormal, in fact my Mother once referred to them as cute! These things included touching things repeatedly, turning light switches on and off a certain number of times, and doing things an odd or even amount of times depending what they were. It wasn't until after I graduated from college and started my real job that the OCD manifested into a more dramatic obvious form. About 6 months after I started working, I increasingly became obsessed with cleaning my apartment and washing my hands. I hated touching the floor and could barely tie my shoes without panicking about germs. All of a sudden buying soap and paper towels became one of the biggest priorities in my life. This also reared it's ugly head at work. Everything I did had to be perfect and it was becoming more noticeable that my job production had slowed. Eventually all of this lead to a meeting with my supervisors. They advised me to see someone in human resources, which I did and they referred me to a therapist. I started going to see a therapist and my diagnoses was obvious.
    Six years later, after multiple therapist and medication attempts I am between therapists and not taking medication. Surprisingly enough my hands don't look that horrible, probably because it's the end of the summer and it's really the cold weather that shows the washing. I didn't do that bad last night with washing my hands at work, but I did end up coming home and washing the bottom of my shoes off obsessively. This is a new thing I've been doing lately, because I get nervous I'm going to track something in my house, so I wash them off before I put them in the shoe room. That always means a lot of hand washing is to follow:( My therapist always asked me to count how many times a day I wash my hands and I have always tried, but I find it too hard to keep track:( One of these days I will do it and write the number here. Alright, that's about it for now!

Day One.

    I must say that I've never written a blog before, nor have I really read that many. I decided that sharing my everyday experiences of the disorder might be a healthy way for me to improve upon it, so I am going to write a blog entry everyday for 365 days. I must say the inspiration was by watching Julie & Julia, which was on TV last night. This won't be nearly as hard as making Julia Child recipes everyday, but it will still be challenging for me to write down some of the somber details of the horrific OCD days in my life.
    The hardest challenge for me this week has been the fact that I had to get pest control in my house to take care of a bee infestation. Now, I am not scared of bees, nor did I think it had become such a huge problem. It's when you want to do laundry and have to clean up 15 dead bees on the floor to get to the machines that you realize you have a problem! That doesn't even include the ones buzzing around my head. My hardest fear to overcome was the fact that I was completely paranoid that the pest control people would bring bugs into my house. There's a specific kind of bug that I am the most fearful of....I can't even write it down, but I am sure you know what I'm talking about. I will give you a hint....if you get these bugs they are nearly impossible to get rid of and could drive a person insane. The guys came twice and after they left I obsessively spent a least an hour washing the floor after them. Unfortunately I couldn't go into the basement to clean the floor after they had treated it, so I had to try to mentally block the idea that these bugs were multiplying in my basement waiting for the chance to infest my house. Ugh. Anyway, I went down to do laundry today and I had to clean up about 20 more dead or dying bees. I can't wait until they are all dead and I can vacuum the whole basement and bee done with the whole ordeal:)
    I might add that if I wasn't obsessed with doing laundry the bee issue might not have been that bad. More on that obsession another day!